I have been thinking back to my early days in SL, on my first avatar… I got on her last night to get some old pictures and got sucked down a memory worm hole. I was a social butterfly on Kay. I ran around to all the clubs, I worked as a dancer, host, and DJ. I loved DJing… that was one of my favorite past times in my old SL life. I was party girl… who may or may not have been slightly mentally unhinged at the time. I had a really drama filled romance that (at least in old note cards) played out like a bad fan fiction. Kayleigh had a full… all be it crazy… second life.
It was so odd to think that was me. That I am really the same person, well I guess I am really not that person any more. Now clubs give me panic attacks, I always feel like I am not wanted or welcome there. It’s a problem in my RL that I never in a million years thought would pass over in SL.
This weekend I went to an event for bloggers at the Blogger & Vlogger Network. I barely said a word. One of my favorite bloggers was there, I had told myself that if I saw her that I would send her an IM to say hi and let her know that her work really inspires me. Well I sat with an IM open to her for 25 mins and couldn’t for the life of me find the words to type her. When I did I rewrote a single sentence a dozen times and then didn’t even send it and TPed out there.
I felt so defeated. This was not the person I once was in SL. I was always bold and social in SL… because behind the pixel mask I wasn’t as afraid to be myself. I started thinking what changed? What fundamentally changed about how I interact with people in SL that I now am so afraid to even say hello?
I guess when I was such a social person and out there type of person in SL because I had a social circle that I was almost always with. I knew people, my friends knew people… I didn’t feel like an odd man out. While I am still super close with my SL peeps… it’s not in SL any more. We interact far more outside of SL than we ever did in world.
I am trying to go down a new path in SL… I am trying my hand at perhaps starting a family. It would work well with my hopes of one day soon having my own photography buisness but so far I really haven’t had too much luck. Adoption is a scary process. I have had a few interactions and that self doubt has really cropped up again. Am I too wired? I am comming off too friendly, too open… so many questions and no real answers.
Right now I am really doubting myself a lot. I made up my mind to put out and decorate a new house. Just something to do to hopefully lift my spirits. I picked up this really pretty house at the Apple Fall sale, now I am not sure if long term it is going to be the house for me but if not it would serve really well as a building for my studio. I am enjoying myself… it’s a good distraction from my inner demons at the moment.
I guess I should try to get out more in SL…. I gotta meet people again. I gotta try and break out of my little prison that my house and land has become.
I heard that Cassie Middles is doing a dating game show for her youtube.. I saw a “Friendship take over” version of it the other day… perhaps I will sign up to try and be on it. My luck though I would get picked… go and fucking crash… (see how my brain works >.<)
ah… well I will blog some of the other stuff that I picked up at the Apple Fall sale when I get a chance this week.