{the life of jane}

{tears come and go}

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The shear amount of crying I have done in the last two weeks is bordering on insanity. Have you ever cried so hard your head hurts? yeah… that was how I felt for the first week straight. I have ugly cried… seriously ugly cried and I may have even pretty cried once or twice. That’s what happens I guess when you lose a parent. A lot of tears. I good friend of mine in RL told me something that really has helped me through the last two weeks.

I asked her one of the first nights after my mom passed “Why does it hurt so much?” I was a wreck, my emotions were all over the place and I was just letting them come out unchecked. It was maybe after midnight… maybe later… when I texted this.

I got the most meaningful text I ever got back “Because that is just how much she loved you”. Oh that’s what I needed to hear ya know. I think one thing about losing a parent suddenly that is so hard for many people to handle is not saying your goodbyes. Saying I love you one more time and doubting if your loved one knew how much you loved him. *or at least this is how I feel*

In this photo my aim was to try and show the depths of my sadness. It’s never really gonna go away. When I lost my RL dad it was tough, but we weren’t close. When i lost my mom it felt like I lost half my soul. This is a pain that will last forever. I have went to call her a thousand times, sitting with my cell phone in my hand. Her contact picture up on my screen, my thumb hovering over the “call” button. I have to remind myself that she is gone. That soon someone else will have that phone number. So I lock my phone and set it down and walk away.

It’s like the loss of my mother is felt throughout my RL and SL. When I came back I was so sick of looking at the house my avatar sat in the moment I learned the news I tore down my whole sim and started new. I have clung to my amazing SL parents Sasha and Red for support and love and damn am I so blessed to have been picked to be these two amazing people’s kid in SL.

I am doing my best to keep busy. Be it practicing sim desgin or just massing my ever growing pose collection for the studio I hope to open. SL has been a great mind distraction this last week since I have been back home. It’s nice. I am grateful  for all my friends both in RL and SL for their love and support during this really crappy time in my life.

Hair – Spellbound

Necklace & Jacket/top – Pixicat

Tattoos – Dappa

Make up _ Arise

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{the life of jane}

{life sucks}

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There are rights of passage in life that no one wants to go through but everyone must at some point. The loss of a parent is one of those rights. Two weeks ago I lost my mom in RL. Which explains my absence from both the grid and the blogging world. My heart has been heavy and my life has been chaos.

I don’t even know how to begin to process all the emotions. One of them being anger. Not at my mom but at the whole damn situation. So I guess that is reflecting in my recent style choices since returning to SL. My angry inner goth girl has really come back out in full force.

Back is the Black, Grey, Purple, Blue color plate that I had been trying to work so hard to expand. Back in the dark, snarky shirts and dresses straight from a Tim Burton fantasy. I don’t know how long I will be back expressing myself like this but it is helping my cope right now.

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I got really lucky when I saw these FoxCity poses called “cute but physco” and thought they would be a great way to express some of my angst right now. Paired with this really cute sweater from Epoch expressing my profound love of cats and a pair of blueberry capris (because even in goth mode one must wear blueberry jeans). The hair is from Exile and was at Collabor 88 and is beautiful! Exile never fails to please with their hairs! I really like their wild fusion collection for colors. I am huge fan of colored hair in SL (probably because I can’t maintain it in RL) and their textures are some of the most beautiful on the grid.

I am going to be moving forward with my studio, I need something to motivate me to continue to push forward in SL because it really has been helping me have a nice creative outlet for my grief.

My Second Life · {the life of jane}

{where to start?}

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Hair – magika, dress – miss Chelsea 

It took me over 45 mins to get fully dressed and figure out what the hell to wear last night. My inventory is like a dust covered vipers’ nest, that is covering pandora’s box. I have not a clue in the freaking world on where to start with this mess, it needs done. It always needs done. I think it’s like cleaning in SL.

Hear me out. Cleaning in RL is something that a lot of people find to be a task. In it’s nature it is a chore. Many of us got paid to do things like take out the trash or clean the litter box as kids. I don’t mind some tasks of cleaning. I can wash floors, clean counters, even scrub my bathroom all day but I hate dishes. LOVE to cook… hate dishes. I will skirt around doing dishes as much as possible… but once a day I gotta suck it up and stand and wash dishes for an hour. I think organizing my inventory is like doing dishes.

It’s something that I will avoid until it is absolutely necessary. Well guys… it’s necessary now. With wanting to work towards opening my own photostudio I need to get my house in order. If I spent that long just trying to get dressed I really need to take a look at just how long it would take me to find poses or backdrops. It would take me much longer than it really should.

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jacket/top – pixie cat, leggings – blueberry, hair – tentra (flf)

So now I get to start the task of making some sort of sense from my inventory. It’s gonna not be fun. I am probably going to try and quit half way through (again) but damn it I gotta do it. I am trying to make a deal with myself about the inventory mess, if I can get it all done by sunday then I get to watch GoT… live and child free (thanks to my awesome RL hubby). This does not sound like a great motivator for most but for me…. who honestly stays up till after midnight ever sunday just to be able to watch GoT with out having to pause it 50 times… it is the best motivator I can think of.

I really hope that I don’t keep putting it off, because that tiny little voice in my head says “No one sees your inventory but you… so why clean it?” which in my brain is like a totally valid reason to NEVER organize my inventory, but then I remember trying to find the jacket I wanted to wear in the photo above. If I could have remembered the name, or even who made it… I could have found the jacket (from Pixie Cat btw) in probably 90 second but no, it took me a full 10 mins to search through my folders trying to find where this was.

So I am not too sure what is going to be up on my blog in the next few days. I may post about what I am finding in my inventory… or how I am so avoiding doing it <.< (which seems far more likely). Either way, wish me luck on this insane project I have. Hopefully I don’t rage quit half way through…again.

 

 

My Second Life · random stuff · {the life of jane}

{out and about}

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See guys… I said I was gonna try to get out a bit and I did. Now I did just go window shop a bit and check out a few gacha yard sales. I did venture to the Portal Hub… it was really pretty and I kept trying to get the damn floor to rez for a photo but I gave up up just took this because it was a nice enough photo. I hopped around to a few clubs, even spoke in local chat! OMG I know right?! And I reached out to an acquaintance that I would like to become a friend. All in all I was pretty happy about my ventures into trying to be social.

I also found it funny when I was getting dressed today that I went towards more goth than I had been in the last few days. I swear I must be the only person who goes goth when they are trying to cheer themselves up!

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So these aren’t new pieces by any means. One… my cash flow is tight trying to buy things I need to hopefully get my studio up and going at some point in the next few months. It’s a long and expensive process now that I am really breaking things down and looking at things. It’s still something I want to do but I am having to adjust my timeline so to speak. The jeans are my favorite pair, Blueberry. The top is from DRBC another favorite of mine. Both are things that I would 100% wear in RL as well.

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The Skin is from Pumec and is from the July Powder pack, as is the lip gloss and blush I am wearing (for the life of me I can’t remember who made it now). The eye shadow is one of my favorite from Suicidal Unborn, as are the piercing… they are from the Somber event btw and are a GREAT bento piercing set because it comes with a lot of great options to really customize your piercings. I am one of those people that are pretty brand loyal when it comes to things like make up and Suicidal Unborn is becoming one of my favorite brands in short order for sure. The quality of their appliers they put out really is some of the best “gothic” make up on grid.

Like always… my tattoos are from Dappa and are from the May Bish Box.  My Mesh ears are from Mandala, they are where I get most of my ears both human and elf. I have been super loyal to them for the better part of my SL life. I used to be obsessed with their ring & nail sets.

Tomorrow I am probably gonna show you guys a little bit of what I have been doing around my land including getting my newest house decorated and my new sky platform for my photography work. Fun times!

My Second Life · {the life of jane}

{safe haven or self imposed prison?}

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I have been thinking back to my early days in SL, on my first avatar… I got on her last night to get some old pictures and got sucked down a memory worm hole. I was a social butterfly on Kay. I ran around to all the clubs, I worked as a dancer, host, and DJ. I loved DJing… that was one of my favorite past times in my old SL life. I was party girl… who may or may not have been slightly mentally unhinged at the time. I had a really drama filled romance that (at least in old note cards) played out like a bad fan fiction. Kayleigh had a full… all be it crazy… second life.

It was so odd to think that was me. That I am really the same person, well I guess I am really not that person any more. Now clubs give me panic attacks, I always feel like I am not wanted or welcome there. It’s a problem in my RL that I never in a million years thought would pass over in SL.

This weekend I went to an event for bloggers at the Blogger & Vlogger Network. I barely said a word. One of my favorite bloggers was there, I had told myself that if I saw her that I would send her an IM to say hi and let her know that her work really inspires me. Well I sat with an IM open to her for 25 mins and couldn’t for the life of me find the words to type her. When I did I rewrote a single sentence a dozen times and then didn’t even send it and TPed out there.

I felt so defeated. This was not the person I once was in SL. I was always bold and social in SL… because behind the pixel mask I wasn’t as afraid to be myself. I started thinking what changed? What fundamentally changed about how I interact with people in SL that I now am so afraid to even say hello?

I guess when I was such a social person and out there type of person in SL because I had a social circle that I was almost always with. I knew people, my friends knew people… I didn’t feel like an odd man out. While I am still super close with my SL peeps… it’s not in SL any more. We interact far more outside of SL than we ever did in world.

I am trying to go down a new path in SL… I am trying my hand at perhaps starting a family. It would work well with my hopes of one day soon having my own photography buisness but so far I really haven’t had too much luck. Adoption is a scary process. I have had a few interactions and that self doubt has really cropped up again. Am I too wired? I am comming off too friendly, too open… so many questions and no real answers.

Right now I am really doubting myself a lot. I made up my mind to put out and decorate a new house. Just something to do to hopefully lift my spirits. I picked up this really pretty house at the Apple Fall sale, now I am not sure if long term it is going to be the house for me but if not it would serve really well as a building for my studio. I am enjoying myself… it’s a good distraction from my inner demons at the moment.

I guess I should try to get out more in SL…. I gotta meet people again. I gotta try and break out of my little prison that my house and land has become.

I heard that Cassie Middles is doing a dating game show for her youtube.. I saw a “Friendship take over” version of it the other day… perhaps I will sign up to try and be on it. My luck though I would get picked… go and fucking crash… (see how my brain works >.<)

ah… well I will blog some of the other stuff that I picked up at the Apple Fall sale when I get a chance this week.

 

My Second Life · random stuff · {the life of jane}

{the life of jane}

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In an attempt to try and step up my blogging game… and just my photography game in general I have just been going through my inventory (which really is an ongoing process to try and keep it some what cleaned up *sigh*) and just putting together little sets, little outfits and just playing around with lighting, poses I forgot I had (isn’t that scary lol). The pictures ended up turning out quite nice for the most part.

I am calling them {the life of jane} because to me they look like little snapshots out of someone’s life.

This whole set came about because I totally forgot I got these awesome Seriacha panties from Wonderlost a while back and wanted to actually use them some how, they aren’t up on marketplace so you have to go the Wonderlost in world store to find them. So I paired it with this slouchy sweatshirt from DRBC ( https://marketplace.secondlife.com/p/drbc-cara-sweater-spells-boxed/11162634) which is one of my favorites. It made this super chill, late night hanging at home vibe.

Which I knew would work great with this pose set from MILA that I had just snagged. (https://marketplace.secondlife.com/p/MILA-POSES-Should-I-Call/11818031) I tossed out one of my RAMA sets from a Gacha from I think last month’s Gacha Guardians event, it’s called Wedding Apartment. I added a cute little cuddle couch that I picked up from last weeks FLF. It’s not the most complex set in the world but I thought it was pretty enough.

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I kept my make up simple, just some Zombie Suicide eye shadow and these beautiful lip glosses from Warpaint that I just am in love with. My skin is from Glam Affair, it’s a gacha item I picked up on the market place. The tattoos are obviously my very favorite thing from the May Bish Box, they are from Dappa. My hair again is a stand by of mine from Doe.

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The second set and look I did was a little lighter. I used the same Rama set, but I tossed out some of my bedroom furniture. The dresser is by Atomic and is from the Into the Woods set. The Bed is from Pillows I believe. I also snagged that awesome pink troll, calling my straight back to my childhood, from Plastik by playing a gacha at their main store.

The outfit is a really simple and pretty comfortable look. The top is from the Hippie and High outfit from B.D.R and I chose to go with out the selves. Again… my favorite Blueberry leggings and my favorite necklace from Plastik finish off the look. I kept the make up the same and swapped out the Doe hair for on from Magika called Meadow.

I was so pleased with how this picture came out. I wish I had thought to take some different photos in this light because it really is very pretty.

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The last one I have to show you guys is this beauty. I really like this picture a lot. It’s simple yet not and there is just something about how the lighting makes her look that just make me happy.

The dress is an old stand by of mine from R3volt. The hair, make up and skin are all the same. I switched the tattoos but for the life of me I can’t remember who they are by. I have some out takes (I guess you can call them) from this set that I will post probably later today or tomorrow with full outfit break downs for you guys.

Theses were just my favorites of the bunch. I am going to actually start posting some of my less favorites as well just to show how my work is progressing and they are good too… just not my favorites lol

I hope you enjoyed this little random post. I am trying to make going through my inventory fun again… not that it ever really was but I can lie to myself right?